The path to changing things that you don’t like about yourself is hard. The task that I find to be the hardest is writing. Writing makes you swallow your inadequacies. If I’m honest, writing and consistently taking action are the biggest tangible hurdles I have to overcome.
A year ago, if you asked me to write down my goals or what I wanted, I would break down crying. I didn’t know and at nearly 40 I felt like a failure.
I allowed my life and actions to be driven by a man. I was smart, and I had been afforded so many opportunities, but somewhere along the way, I was misguided. Belittling and effectively removing motivations to make my own goals and achieve them.
Entering into my marriage, I wanted to be successful at the 9 – 5 job and be a housewife. I felt like I kept selling myself short. A beautiful, intelligent woman could do anything. I shake my head. I am embarrassed, quite frankly. My level of motivation has improved. How did it improve? I found my “why” that has always been there. The reasons I wake up and keep pushing. They are my children.
I’m their mother. I questioned whether I was a good mother. I remember my friend said to me, you put a roof over their head, food on the table, spend quality time for them, making sacrifices so that they can have. You are a good mother. I made poor decisions that affected everyone around me, and I can’t change that.
If writing is hard for you or whatever hurdle you have to cross, deliberately and consciously make time until it becomes a habit. I want to look back to the women I’ve become and feel proud.