Reflections – Beyond the Abuse

If you asked me two years ago to write down goals, I would cry. I couldn’t do it because something was blocking my manifestation. It was a mental block that, for years, my opinions and suggestions were minimized.

I was able to break free from my mental shackles little by little. I had angels pushing me. As much as I cried, I also listened and executed. I’ve grown so much.  At my last coaching session, we hit the halfway mark, and we reviewed where I was in many aspects of my life. To my surprise, I could rate myself and discuss how I planned to change patterns and reach goals. 

It is so empowering when you can see in yourself what others see in you. God has placed me in challenges and opportunities to help me grow. I”m walking proudly and conquering the impasse, and accepting those opportunities. 

I know what I want and how to get it.  I know my weaknesses and how to improve upon them. I know my heart and see goodness. I see my person and love the women I am. I know my worth. I know my limits. I set boundaries. I accept what I can’t change. I forgive myself for past wrongs. I look for the learning moments when I fall short. Thank you, God, for saving me. 

“deprive (a man) of his male role or identity.”

“Protector”, “leader”, “teacher”

“Mom, he wants to buy a historic home that was his grandfather’s.” The state of the home needs lots of work. I’m concerned that the estimates he has in his mind to fix it so that it is livable to my standards are incorrect. She can hear it in my voice that I’m in distress over the situation. She asks do you want me to talk to him. I said no; somewhere along the way, she took it as a yes. This was the first and last time she interjected her opinion into our decisions as a couple.

In front of my husband, all I could do was cry.  If I could have mustered the courage to at least ask where are the estimates of renovation from contractors, this might have started the proper conversation and lessen the future resentment.

I left the impression that I didn’t trust my husband enough to trust and allow Him to lead. Later he tells me the situation emasculated him as the leader in the relationship.  He would say if you loved me, you would respect me as the man and trust that he was making the right decision. 

This one situation left the relationship full of resentment. I no longer gave my opinion and I would support but not intervene.

I allowed myself to be put into a place where I relinquished control. I’ve vowed never again to be in this place.

I expect respect as I give respect.

I am confident.

I am resilient.

I am me and that ok.

I am a queen.

I am a great mother.

I am

The path to changing things that you don’t like about yourself is hard. The task that I find to be the hardest is writing. Writing makes you swallow your inadequacies. If I’m honest, writing and consistently taking action are the biggest tangible hurdles I have to overcome. 

A year ago, if you asked me to write down my goals or what I wanted, I would break down crying. I didn’t know and at nearly 40 I felt like a failure.  

I allowed my life and actions to be driven by a man. I was smart, and I had been afforded so many opportunities, but somewhere along the way, I was misguided.  Belittling and effectively removing motivations to make my own goals and achieve them. 

Entering into my marriage, I wanted to be successful at the 9 – 5 job and be a housewife. I felt like I kept selling myself short. A beautiful, intelligent woman could do anything.  I shake my head. I am embarrassed, quite frankly. My level of motivation has improved.  How did it improve? I found my “why” that has always been there. The reasons I wake up and keep pushing. They are my children. 

I’m their mother.  I questioned whether I was a good mother. I remember my friend said to me, you put a roof over their head, food on the table, spend quality time for them, making sacrifices so that they can have. You are a good mother. I made poor decisions that affected everyone around me, and I can’t change that. 

If writing is hard for you or whatever hurdle you have to cross, deliberately and consciously make time until it becomes a habit. I want to look back to the women I’ve become and feel proud.