Category: Blog

I am finding lessons from my trials.  By looking at the benefits and drawbacks of the behavior, I felt was selfish and inconsiderate.  

Situations:

After our first son was born and I was trying to breastfeed him, I found it challenging. I wanted to stop and either pump or not do it. My ex’s response was, you aren’t going to stop. That, for me, was a breaking point.  I needed his empathy and to allow me to make my own decision. 

His response led to resentment. I pulled away and became distant. He also became distant, always equating my time spend with our son a choice that I should make between him and his son. In reflecting on this situation, I can see that his reaction gave him more time to work on his business, knowing I would do what was needed to be done on my own. 

Once I identified the benefits and drawbacks of my ex’s behavior, I then flipped the script and examined a situation in which I was selfish and inconsiderate. Reflecting on my  own actions and how I exhibited the same charging behavior makes me see how there are direct benefits and drawbacks to being selfish and inconsiderate.  

Situations:

At the beginning of our marriage, I met someone I talked to and held a conversation with them while my husband went and got what he needed in the store. When he came back to the front of the store, my conversation was wrapping up. He came to me and stood next to me, and I didn’t introduce him. 

What are the benefits of me not introducing him?

• I wouldn’t have to explain what happened with this person. 

What are the drawbacks to me not introducing him?

• Almost ended our marriage just a few months in.
• I appeared as if I was hiding something.
• I had to explain where, when I met the person. 

What are the benefits to my ex for me not introducing him?

• Did not have to process whatever the other individual might have said. 
• He was able to express his feelings. 

What are the drawbacks to my ex for me not introducing him to this person?

• He couldn’t express his feelings and get things off of his chest. 
• Established his place in my life.

To my point, growth takes self-reflection and owning your actions in a situation.

The lesson Tia taught. We were fortunate to both have gotten into the same college. We choice different majors and therefore didn’t see much of each other. One day when leaving class Tia came and asked for a ride. Of course. One ride home led to a daily ask. At the time, I felt like she was taking advantage of me.

Taking her home was not on my way to where I was going. It was actually out of the way. Not wanting conflict or confrontation, I decided to leave earlier so that I wouldn’t have to say no or have a difficult conversation.

I went through an exercise to neutralize my perception of the situation. I looked at a time when I took advantage of someone and the benefits and drawbacks for Tia.

I can see that Tia had many benefits that I could have considered and had a healthy conversation on how I felt about the daily ask. We got to spend time together that we weren’t spending since we choose different majors. She had the reliability and safety of having a ride home. Tia was putting herself through school, so saving every penny would have helped other areas of her life.

Thank you, Tia, for wanting to spend time with me and finding a way to do so. Thank you for trusting me to help you. Thank you for helping me to see things from a different perspective. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your success. I am proud of the woman, mother you have become. I miss and will always love you as my dear friend.

With each accomplishment, I thank God first for his constant alignment. I ask, listen and wait for what will be mine. I then think of where I was and how much growth and progress I have made. Just two years ago, if you asked me to write my personal goals, I would cry. I didn’t know who I was, what I liked, where I wanted to be. I couldn’t see the potential, and I had it myself.

One of the keys to finding my way is to find the small gratitude, to appreciate so much that God has taught me through my struggles.

Benefits of my past relationship. An advantage gained; something that produces good or helpful results or effects. My past has taught me to…

raise my children, focus, multi-task, organize, research and execute, look for detail, appreciate what healthy love is, not to gamble, creative, sit with myself, respect, analyze, patients, resiliency, passion, relax, it’s ok to fall, it’s ok to make mistakes, the past isn’t my future, I own my actions and realize its not all my fault, dream, vision, pray, believe, change, teach, learn, respect, speak, value, show up, live, speak, you allow what happens to you, my love language, what makes me happy, what makes me anxious, let go, experience, explore, not to be afraid, set goals, finish what I start, lose weight, live healthier, vulnerable, happiness is within, remove the masks, break down walls, self-focus, remove naivetés, discovery

I was the cheater. Cheating for me was an outlet. It was a freeing moment in a 17 year long manipulative and controlling relationship. I was so caught up I did not consider anything else, not myself or my children.

I got caught ironically with a mobile game that had messaging within it. It took almost two months to pull the truth out of me. My truth was not that I was with one particular person. It was different people of different walks of life.

I consciously chose to cheat, not to leave. There were at least two occasions that I tried to quit and somehow was always convinced that it was me.

Broken relationships are often not one-sided. One or both are not having their love languages met. The book “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman maps out the five love languages’ needs. If you have not read it and don’t know what makes you feel safe, complete, I would suggest reading the book. You might have one or two that are your primary live language.

Your spouse can do many things and never meet your needs. The key to being happy is to know what your love language is and share that with your partner.

I married young and did not take the time to find my path and what makes me happy. I thought he makes me happy. Happiness is within and doesn’t come from another individual. Not knowing you will leave you vulnerable and a prime candidate to be manipulated and controlled.

I think back, and the question was, what do you want to do leave or stay. He forgave and did not forget. He knew I wasn’t going to leave, and it was the truth. It took the extreme for me to Thank God and find my path to self-healing.