Author: reflections-beyondabuse

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Reflections

As busy working people, sometimes the only bit of respite you get is sitting on the pot. It sounds funny, but true. 

My journey to self-healing is something that I’ve kicked into high gear in this new year. While sitting in the bathroom, I’ve been reminded of situations in my marriage where I can see that the struggles were not wholly my fault.  Yes, I crossed the line and stepped out of the union because I felt trapped and manipulated. 

Self-reflection is a vital component of self-love. You must examine yourself to understand, accept, and live who you are and move forward. 

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What do you wish someone had done? What could anyone have done?

I wasn’t honest with my few close friends. I lived in silence of my disappointment in myself and my relationship.

I think that unless someone is ready to accept help, you can’t help them. You can only be there for them.

When I got caught in all of my lies, the physical abuse began. One of my girlfriends asked me if he put his hands on me. I was scared to speak up for many reasons; my own life, my children’s lives and what would happen to my ex-husband. The fact of the matter is that in my selfishness and narcisstic ways , I didn’t think of anyone else but myself.

I wish my family, even though I pushed them away tried harder to reach me. I wished that my girlfriend would have heard through my voice what I was going through.

In my case, there were signs for years, and I didn’t believe that things would end the way that they did.

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Staying Married for the Kids

After my infidelity came out. We decided to stay together and work it out for the children.  Some couples choose to stay together for the sake of the children.  There are consequences to divorcing and staying together.

The short answer is yes, however, if the marriage is chronically troubled it may not be the best option.  Children thrive when in a secure family model in which the parent love each other and love the children.  Try your best to make the marriage work, but if you or your partner are unhappy don’t stay together for the sake of the children.

Separation is unsettling, stressful, and destabilizing unless there is parental abuse or conflict. Research shows that what can really be damaging for the kids is conflict.

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T.E.A.R.S

I shed many tears over the 16 years I was married.  I had a vision of how marriage was supposed to be and how I had not met my expectations after the first few years.

It is okay to have expectations in relationships.  Having expectations aren’t always bad.  Expectations set boundaries and become the foundation of what you will accept. What is necessary is the communication of what your expectations are and how you express them.

I did not communicate. While we were good friends, my ex and I would talk for hours. I remember we went on a road trip, and somewhere along the line was shhhhhed.  In my mind, I thought, did I get talked to that way, but my verbal/body language did not convey the same thought.  After that moment, my days of singing in the car while riding left.   When attempting to express my feelings, other similar situations were met with “I am the husband” you should be submissive.  Early on, I allowed myself to be controlled and manipulated. 

I’ve turned tears into a motivational acronym.

Trauma
Elevate
Arise
Restorate
Survived