Month: February 2021

“deprive (a man) of his male role or identity.”

“Protector”, “leader”, “teacher”

“Mom, he wants to buy a historic home that was his grandfather’s.” The state of the home needs lots of work. I’m concerned that the estimates he has in his mind to fix it so that it is livable to my standards are incorrect. She can hear it in my voice that I’m in distress over the situation. She asks do you want me to talk to him. I said no; somewhere along the way, she took it as a yes. This was the first and last time she interjected her opinion into our decisions as a couple.

In front of my husband, all I could do was cry.  If I could have mustered the courage to at least ask where are the estimates of renovation from contractors, this might have started the proper conversation and lessen the future resentment.

I left the impression that I didn’t trust my husband enough to trust and allow Him to lead. Later he tells me the situation emasculated him as the leader in the relationship.  He would say if you loved me, you would respect me as the man and trust that he was making the right decision. 

This one situation left the relationship full of resentment. I no longer gave my opinion and I would support but not intervene.

I allowed myself to be put into a place where I relinquished control. I’ve vowed never again to be in this place.

I expect respect as I give respect.

I am confident.

I am resilient.

I am me and that ok.

I am a queen.

I am a great mother.

I am

The path to changing things that you don’t like about yourself is hard. The task that I find to be the hardest is writing. Writing makes you swallow your inadequacies. If I’m honest, writing and consistently taking action are the biggest tangible hurdles I have to overcome. 

A year ago, if you asked me to write down my goals or what I wanted, I would break down crying. I didn’t know and at nearly 40 I felt like a failure.  

I allowed my life and actions to be driven by a man. I was smart, and I had been afforded so many opportunities, but somewhere along the way, I was misguided.  Belittling and effectively removing motivations to make my own goals and achieve them. 

Entering into my marriage, I wanted to be successful at the 9 – 5 job and be a housewife. I felt like I kept selling myself short. A beautiful, intelligent woman could do anything.  I shake my head. I am embarrassed, quite frankly. My level of motivation has improved.  How did it improve? I found my “why” that has always been there. The reasons I wake up and keep pushing. They are my children. 

I’m their mother.  I questioned whether I was a good mother. I remember my friend said to me, you put a roof over their head, food on the table, spend quality time for them, making sacrifices so that they can have. You are a good mother. I made poor decisions that affected everyone around me, and I can’t change that. 

If writing is hard for you or whatever hurdle you have to cross, deliberately and consciously make time until it becomes a habit. I want to look back to the women I’ve become and feel proud.

In my past relationship, some choice statements would suppress my inner voice. Even today, some of the same ideas lend to similar behaviors. Almost as if I seek shelter within. Over the last two years, I’ve started to express myself and tell the person how it makes me feel. It’s about being aware and understanding how something makes you feel. Wrong or right, it is how you feel. Can you identify emotional trigger statements?

Some of my trigger statements are…

• Are you happy now?
• You always seem to come out on top
• There is only one “right” answer/interpretation
• You can’t wear that change
• You need to do XYZ
• You owe me
• You’ve done it again
• What are you/would you say
• What do you need to do that for

A little less serious the small things I’m grateful for.